I never truly existed.

Lord show me a sign, any sign -any sign of why am i alive? What’s the purpose of being alive but not living?

I need a sign Lord, i knock your door every night begging you to tell me why am i still alive? What am i supposed to do?

If every time i try to build what’s broken i break it more, if every time i try to rebuild what i broke while trying to build i end up crashing it into small pieces, pieces that cut deep down my soul- my poor wounded soul, my poor wounded soul that i lost along the way while trying to find a reason to stay alive, a reason to continue fighting; fighting what? Im the army in my own war-A war in my head where im the army and im the enemy , a war where im the peace and im the desolation-a losing war, where I’ll end up dead, dead and wrecked.

Good god, where am i? If im lost in myself how can i even find myself? Im lost in my own wreck, wounded from pieces my barehands caused, no one is there to pull me out of it, no one is there to guide me home-What is even home?

For years i begged you to show me a sign, and when i tried to end my life begging you to take my soul, set it on fire or make it rest in peace; even you refused to pull me out of that mess. I tried, i tried to find a reason to stay alive, but whenever i try to catch one; it slips from my hands and runs away.

What have i done wrong to deserve this? Where have i gone wrong to be in this chaos? How i ended up from a daydreamer to letting void consuming me? Its the void, Lord its the void consuming and sucking life out of me, i can no longer fight it nor i have the strength to. I lied down, begging-but this time i was begging the void for my soul to set free.

When did the emptiness i feel became so heavy that i can barely move out of bed? I lost the war i had against myself, i watched my whole world crashing down and falling apart and i watched it as if it was fireworks, i watched myself falling apart.

I lost the war and i lost myself, I stopped looking for signs and purposes to stay alive, because clearly life was never made for me, i was only alive, but never truly lived.

I lost every true thing I’ve ever known about myself along the way while looking for you, and your signs, i lost myself while looking for a way out of the pain you’ve put me through, and it hit me that i never truly existed.

How can a nonexistent person, feel all this pain?