First love pain, is just a fairytale.

I’ve always wondered how would a person feel after a heartbreak, I’ve always wondered why is it so hard for people to move on?

Then i got my heart broken for the first time when i was 16, and i thought back then nothing worse than this would happen to me, nothing will equal the pain that I’m feeling, and i thought i could never move on.

But then i fell again when i was 18, gave my all and never asked for anything back, kept giving and loving with everything i am so he would never leave-yet he still left.

I blamed myself, and it hurt even worse than the first time, i cried for months and i even lost weight, my skin was pale and everyone around me noticed how distant i was, and it was that kind of pain where you cant really explain why are you sad, but you just can feel it with everything you’ve lost of your soul.

I took an oath that I’ll never fall again, and walked away with so much pain and a broken heart, scarred soul and the leftovers of your nonexistent love.

But then, you came along changing my perspective of love, you wrapped me with the word “pretty” and had me with the word “you deserve the world” and for someone who never even got the bare minimum, it meant the world to me, for someone who never been taught what love is, you absolutely fucking had me wrapped like a ring around your finger.

You intoxicated my body with your lies, and i took them all as if it was heroine, kept getting high and high til one day you suddenly decided to hit me with the truth, and what can hurt an addict more than sobriety? What would hurt a delusional more than reality?

I sat there looking at every move you make, and the way you moved your lips to form a sentence to perfectly hurt me, and i took it all-i even called it love.

I was ready to cross the world for you-in a way i did. And you were never even ready to try for me.

I was ready to give you my all, when you’ve always seen me too much to handle, too much to love, too much to try for.

I thought I’m familiar with the pain that a heartbreak causes, i thought I’m familiar with the sleepless night and the way my body would yearn for a touch, and how my brain would play scenarios for me so i could go to sleep every night.

But you were different kind of pain, you invaded my heart and my whole entity too.

I live my days normally, i even pretend that I’m happy that I’m not hurting, but every night before i go to sleep, i find myself crying over the loss of you-even though you willingly walked away, but i still count you as a loss.

You’re a different kind of pain, people can no longer sense that im not okay, they can no longer see how desperate i am.

Only i, only i can feel it.

They once said that first love is your most indescribable kind of pain, and it can never be felt twice. So tell me why is the pain that I’m feeling over you is the worst kind of pain that i ever even felt?