Why are you afraid of abandonment? They asked me, and i cant help but wonder why?
Is it because my dad left when i was just a baby? Or because my mom never cared enough? Is it because i spent my childhood trying to find my mom’s love in everyone else; the love she never gave me.
Why am i so afraid of abandonment? Is it because my mom left me when i was six, a child who’s cold, afraid and terrified that she will never see her mother again.
Or is it because i spent my childhood being left behind running between my parents to get what’s left of their love, their affection.
Why am i so afraid to get close to people? Maybe its because I’ve spent my childhood away from my parents, that i dont know what safety is, and i always get the feeling they gonna leave me-the way my parents did.
spent years looking for the love they never gave me in the wrong places, gave people my body to love hoping i would know what love is, what safety is, spent my life looking for warm arms as warm as my mother’s-the ones that never hugged me and never worm me up- to hug me, but how can i know how warm a hug can be if i never even felt it when i was a little?
How can i not blame myself whenever someone leaves if my family have always blamed me? How can i not feel terrified if the only thing i grew up to is my dad yelling at my mother, and them beating each other, they always taught me that love is beating, love is fighting, so how can i know what love is when all what they taught me is that love is cold?
How can i not be terrified when I’ve spent my childhood hiding under the desk when they were fighting tearing each other apart?
How can i ever know safety when i grew up in a place where they hit me whenever i fail or say what they don’t want to hear, or even do what they don’t want me to do? Spent years of my life getting beaten up for things girls my age did but i wasn’t allowed to do; like going out and having fun, like staying up late.
How can i ever know when someone loves me? If my own family never showed me love.
How can i know happiness or be happy if i spent my childhood years running to the wrong arms trying to find love.
‘Leave whats toxic for you’ people have told me, but how can i know whats toxic and what’s healthy if all I’ve never known is toxicity, all I’ve ever taken is toxicity and not love.
How can i not be afraid of getting close to people when all what they did to me as a child is raping me, defining it ‘love’, they touched the wrong parts of me pretending that they are giving me love, using my lack of knowledge about love and safety, so they raped what left of innocence in me throwing me away after.
And what did i do? I ran to other people trying to tell them what happened maybe this time someone would understand-because my family never did- but all I’ve seen is pity in their eyes.
How can i not be this damaged when my family were the first to rape my innocence with their fights, and their abandonment to me, how can i ever know what love is when they took all the love away and replaced it with hatred?
Spent years blaming people for breaking me instead of healing me. But how can i ever blame someone when im already broken?
How can i ever know what genuine love is? When my family were the first to break my heart- and what a family broke no one can fix.
Bittersweet love 