“You’re my red” i whispered while kissing her cherry flavoured lips, she pulled away and looked into my eyes and with so many unanswered questions and wonders “what does that mean? Why are you resembling me to your favourite colour?” She finally said after a pause.
While running my fingers along her soft milky skin “red my dear is when you keep hurting someone over and over and they never stop giving you chances, they never stop loving you despite the pain, the wounds you’re causing to them each time you do.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes, because i knew damn well i would see her teary eyes and change my mind in seconds, i would take it back and tell her it’s one of my lame jokes and kiss her pretty mouth til she forgets what i said, i would take it back and ask for forgiveness, i would ask for forgiveness for admitting that she hurts me every day as if it was my fault; i would ask for forgiveness the forgiveness she should ask for.
I can hear her breathing heavily trying not to breakdown in front of me “why don’t you leave me then?” She finally managed to say through the tears. I cant help but wonder how stupid she is, how cant she notice that im so attached to her, so attached to the pain she puts me through as if its my cocaine, my heroine and morphine, i started drafting away with my thoughts while drawing circles over her body -just as the circles she puts me through , when she kisses me in the night, and says we’re friends the moment she wakes up.
I looked into her eyes “because I’m an addict, im an addict to the pain, to the suffering and i would go through pain every single minute if it means i get to see your eyes, hear your laugh and feel your touch” i said and meant every word but suddenly i felt all the weight in the world on my chest, i felt tears and prayed that they don’t fall.
“Listen to me, we’re friends and i promise this time we’ll stay this way i dont want to hurt you anymore” she put her hand on my face feeling it, and i felt my heart breaking for the millionth time, i can no longer hold back my tears, how can someone be this selfish? How can someone have this effect , how is it possible that she is the medicine and the poison? She is my peace and my war.
She, she is love yet she planted hatred within my soul, hatred for myself because i could never hate her.
“You can do whatever you want, i will always love you, i will always hope you’d change your mind and come back” i managed to say while covering my face so she wouldn’t see me crying.
A heart that been hurt so many times, and knows what pain and ache is, eventually ruined mine and my idea of safe love, ruined my favourite colour; from the colour that I’m always confident while wearing to the colour of making excuses, endless excuses to the way she is hurting me.
I can see tears streaming down her face, but i couldn’t comfort her , i don’t know what to say to comfort her because I’ve cried oceans and rivers for her, sat on my knees begging her to love me or to let me go.
She once saw me heartbroken, picking the pieces sticking them together and hoping for them to be a whole, and she said that my broken heart is now her favourite mosaic, and ever since i let her break my heart over and over again in hopes she’d never get bored of me, i let her create the mosaic she wants with it, and whenever she wants to.
I broke my own heart to make her love me and that wasn’t enough for her, it was never enough and it will never be.
“Are you okay?” She looked with teary eyes and asked, she asked as if she doesn’t already know the answer. I nodded and faked a smile, when in fact I found myself wanting to tell her about the nights she made me sleep crying, i wanted to tell her how i walk with heavy heart nowadays because of what she’s doing to me, i wanted to tell her about the unseen poetry about my failures of making her love me back- even half as much as i do, but i couldn’t talk, i couldn’t tell her, i couldn’t tell her that she is my red and filling my mind with endless blue thoughts.
She is my red, the red that makes me draw lilac skies all over my body and plants thrones around my heart to protect it.
She is my red, and I’ll forever remember the way i loved her with every vein and cell in me, and all she did was burn me with a flaming red fires.
She is my red, and she put me through a lot of mazes, that i lost myself into and broke my soul while begging her to stay, how can she be the one that breaking my heart and I’m the one asking for forgiveness and asking her to stay?
How is it fair that she is the one breaking my heart and im the one begging her to never stop breaking it if that would make her stay.
Red was my favourite colour once, and now red is the colour of pain and misery for me.
I went to the bathroom with heavy heart that is barely beating, i held the blades and cut the wounds she made in hopes to get her out of me and watched my red blood flow all over the floor, i hit the ground and heard her footsteps and her hummingbird voice screaming my name, and her face was the last thing to see.
I heard you saying you love me, while i was catching my last breaths, and how i wished i could hug you one last time.
Goodbye my red, i was just another stop along your way, when you were the deathly end for me.
Bittersweet love 