“Carol” you said with so much excitement and got me out of my draindful thoughts answering my question about your favourite movie, i looked at you and with a brief smile “is that so?” i managed to say with a bitter heart and unbelievable look in my eyes, “yes it a tragic love movie about two people who cant be together, though she tried her best to make it work but she had to leave for her sake, she had to leave and choose herself over Therese” you said and i noticed tears gathering in your eyes, like an unwanted guest knocking the door in the wrong time..
it broke my heart seeing you with tears in your eyes, it broke my heart that you never even noticed how you’re breaking my heart with the simplest words, moves and lies, how is it possible that when im trying my best not break your heart you make sure to break my heart to pieces and shreds every time you cross my mind, every time our eyes meet; even if its by accident.
you poured me another glass of your lies and i gladly drank it as if it was a taquila shot, my eyes are bloodshot from the tears im holding back infront of you, “whats wrong?” you innocently asked holding my hand, and looking in my eyes; and in that moment it hit me that carol is not your favourite movie; perhaps it was for a while but not anymore, not my dear ever since we met , i became your favourite movie to watch everyday; me crying and sobbing begging for some mercy, me crying and sobbing begging for you to sit me on fire or sit me free, i became your favourite movie to watch, and my heart your favourite glass to break.
you have such an innocent smile that i would never grow sick and tired of, such an innocent smile that stops me from believing that you are breaking my heart on purpose, every time i decide to walk away i remember that day in your car listening to your favourite song, watching you looking at me and when you caught me looking back, you smiled back and giggled as if you won the trophy, back then i knew you gonna break my heart to two and that you gonna enjoy it and dance to the echo its cracking will make.
you once said you like to drink vodka with no adds, you like to feel the bitterness and sourness in your mouth, you said you like to feel pain to its fullest, and i became an addict to the pain you cause i became an addict to the pain and the suffering, and you became an alcoholic for the tears-my tears, i convinced myself that because its easier to believe that over the fact you just enjoy making me cry, you enjoy seeing me cry and on the floor sobbing over someone who was never and will never be mine.
shot after shot of your lies and i started feeling sick, i hold my vomit in, in fears that it would get you out of me, so addicted and attached to your toxicity, so attached to self sabotaging
– perhaps for the sabotage you cause.
“you know i care about you a lot, more than anything else” you said, i heard although it came out as a whisper, but sadly my dear i can no longer believe the love words you say, you have such a pretty mouth that i wish i could kiss for the rest of my life, such a pretty mouth; but loaded with bullets, bullets that you keep firing right in my heart with every word you say, with kisses you draw on her way and with every look you give to someone else- a familiar look from a stranger’s eyes, because this, this my dear could never be the look you once gave me-perhaps again, you gave me a look that was never meant for me in the first place, a look that you gave to someone else.
perhaps, i was never the one you wanted to look at, i was never the one you wanted to spend forever with, perhaps i was never the one you wanted to draw stardust on their body, i was never your 3am thought nor your 11:11pm wish, perhaps i was just a temporary person in your life; when you meant the whole world to me, when you were the book, the ink and the letters i use to my poetry, you were the sun, the moon, and all of the stars- the stars the burned and died loving you, the stars that burned and died for you to use as a stardust.
and perhaps, you never wanted me as a lover, nor as a friend, perhaps i was just a distruction from all the pain and suffering she once put you through, and once you found someone better; you packed the leftovers of your love and all of the love i once gave you, and went to give it all to her.
and perhaps she is better than me, perhaps she made you feel things i couldnt make you feel; but dear, please forgive me for failing, forgive me for not being good enough, forgive me but i lost myself along the way, i lost myself along the way of trying to make you love me, i even broke my soul and
scattered it along the way; for you, if you ever decide to come back.
i broke my soul, or maybe the fact that you fell out of love too fast, faster than thunderstorms did.
but again, perhaps- just perhaps, you were never really in love with me, for you to fall out of love with me.
Bittersweet love 