I say im better off without anyone, i say I’m better on my own, but when it’s 3am and im sad and the thoughts , memories and past ghosts of unwanted touches are consuming the best of me, i find myself craving someone to be there for me, to hug me and caress my pain away, i find myself craving to be touched with love, to feel what love is-what is love with no pain.
When my room is dark and my thoughts are lighting the place up with things i thought i buried long ago, i find myself thinking between a thousand thought that’s going on my mind every second, i find myself thinking about love, how does it really feel like to be loved, how does it feel like to be craved, how does it feel like to be the only option and not a choice, not a toy left on the shelf.
How does it feel like to be loved? How does it feel like to be truly loved and adored with all your fuck ups, with all your flaws with all your mistakes and your past traumas? How does it feel like to be so damn loved to the point that love is no longer defined as pain for you.
When its 3am and im filling my glass with god knows whats the number of this shot, i find myself thinking about your lips, how i wished to be kissed by them, how i wanted to call you mine and hear you calling me yours, i find myself begging to be loved and adored by you.
When its 3am and im supposed to be so drunk to even think about it, but silly little me that never been shown what love is, finds herself wondering if you could ever afford her love
And people would go and tell me that i can’t feel love if i never loved myself first, but jesus christ -i consumed all my self love on people to the point they forgot what self hate is, and to the point i got nothing left in me but self-hatred.
I gave pieces and bits of myself to everyone, and they didn’t even leave leftovers for me to hang on to, i loved them too much to the point i now know i have so much love inside of me, that i could light a whole city up-and maybe that’s why i keep falling for the wrong ones? And maybe my heart is so fucking heavy with the amount of love i have inside of me that it weighs me, so i go to the wrong ones and give it all to them, every single time.
Its like an endless cycle, an endless cycle of fuck ups, and begging them not to leave me alone in the dark, them saying that i deserve so much better, and also them stealing all of my love and run away-and if you ask me, the worst part is me watching them giving it to someone else, watching them giving the love i begged for to someone else, someone who wouldn’t do half as much as i did to them.
When it’s 3am, and im alone with my thoughts , i find myself thinking about love, and about the way i keep looking for it in every corner and in every person, although love did nothing but break my heart to bits and pieces, uncollectible pieces that I’ll never be able to glue.
But yet again, a person that never been shown what love is, is the strongest to love.
Bittersweet love 