A stranger i lost

I grieve you, i promise you i do

I grieve you, i still do

I cry sometimes

And others, my heart aches a little when i try to remember you

Or how you used to remind me that you love me

I grieve you, i promise you i do

In every shot I’ve ever taken, i cried an ocean over you

And in every joint i smoked, i imagined your arms wrapped around me

I forgot your voice, and i forgot most of our memories

But i promise you, i grieve you , i still do

Within my heart i hold so much pain

So much pain, anger, madness and denial

Denial that you ever existed, that you ever left

You were never there to lose

I made you up

And i lost you the second i opened my eyes

Or i lost my mind the second you closed yours

But i grieve you, i promise you i do

And it’s a slow burning while standing still

A slow burning while watching the entire world collapsing

But my hands are tied

And im just a human

Who has a heart that holds so much pain after the loss of you

Does it though? Or are you just a ghost who also damaged that 5 years old when she turned 8 she begged you to come back home from the airport

But you disappeared for months, maybe years

And from my mind, you completely disappeared

But i held my pen writing my first heartbreak’s letter to you

Grieving the loss of you, way before losing you

You taught me how to write, and i ended up writing a letter begging you to check up on me

And i wasn’t even a teen

I ran in the fields telling stories of how you traveled from Dubai to Berlin

And i even imagined a world where you loved me enough

But you built a house in me with no keys to the doors

You built a house in me with a lot of holes, that your thorns grew all over me

And when it stung you, you blamed me

But i blame you now that im over my teen years.

I blame you, for every blood drop i saw on the floor

For every tear i wasted on your pillow

I blame you, for choosing my bed to lose your soul into

I blame you, for the way how i grieve you

But i can’t even remember who were you

A disappointment? A lesson? A heartbreak?

Or the love i never had

Who were you? Other than sadness and grief

What are you made of? Other than the darkness you planted in me

And the way i fear being alive

Because death was your comforting choice

To run away

From me, from you

From this world

I pass by your graveyard sometimes

And i wonder, if i will ever remember who you truly were

What you once meant to that 5 years old who needed saving the most

But you let drown under the name of not knowing how to swim

But i still grieve you, despite all the pain you put me through

I grieve you, even though i built a castle of all the pieces you broke in me

And im up there alone

Grieving the loss of you, and wishing i could remember who were you

For how can i grieve a stranger?

But i could swear that my heart cries over you.