February and my Pain

i’d do it all again, i’d meet you in that cold night in february

and i’d beg you to love me by march , i’d threaten to leave by april

i’d swear you mean nothing again and again

only to fall on my knees and beg you to be mine after being high for an entire night

i’d do it all again, go out on dates just because you said you don’t care

i’d drink vodka and smoke weed to forget the pain, to forget that you used the same words with another girl

i’d do it again, i would tell everyone you are nothing but a phase

when i know i’m drowning in all of your details,

i was busy counting your birthmarks when you were busy counting my msitakes

i told you i loved before, and im so scared from the pain. you promised you’re different, you promised you would only kiss my scars away

but you’ve always loved red, and perhaps that was the reason for all of my pain

i begged you to go away before i fall deeper without finding a ground to hug my body or ease my pain

you kept promising that im your only one, im the closest to love you’ve ever felt

and between each word and the other you knotted my hands, and so i cloudn’t run away

even when i try to escape, deeper i find myself drowning in your space

you’ve scattered glass all over the ground, and i watered it til to roses it bloomed

we never had a proper hello, i’ve kissed you the minute i met you

and you crossed on your heart to break mine til i cant breathe no more,

im drowning in your waves, and i cant even escape your rain

its filling my lungs to the brim, all your shades of blue are drowning my inside and i still can’t fight

from the first night, when i touched you, you moaned my name

and i knew i would want you to be mine

even when you stab my heart a million times, i would still find a way to justify it and find ways to say the fault was mine.

i’d do it again, i’d go to January and break my heart

to meet you again, i’d meet you in february again

and i’d fall in love with you even if it means i have to endure all the pain when you spend the night

i’ll go through the heartbreak i went through when it was june and she texted you thinking that you are still hers, when only for one day i tried to escape and you almost found your way to someone else’s arms

i’d get your hand writing tattooed on my thigh thinking it would mean something to you

but even when you said it hurt you because i called you my pain,

i still was the one in so much pain. i couldnt flinch and i managed to act okay

i stayed with you in the middle of nowhere, and i cried and cried thinking i wont see you again

i didn’t see you for months, and still i lived in fucking endless pain,

hanging myself between the hopes that one day , you’d come back, one day you’d decide that im worth the stay

i chocked on my tears, when you left in June saying i might not see your face

i twisted in pain begging for your hand to hold mine

you said its hurting you just the same,

you claimed that you felt pain before, and that im not the same

then you yelled at me for asking you to treat me in a better way,

i begged you not to let someone between us, and then you decided that it was your time to fade away

i sat next to you and cried rivers and i even drowned in them wondering what did i ever do to deserve such pain

i had a million questions running in my mind, but the only one i managed to ask was

if you still love me the same. you looked at me and said you never knew love before me

you never knew pain as well, you never knew anger

and all shades of red

i told you that maybe its time to let me go, but you held me captive in your cage

and refused to let me fly away, you promised a better life

but to the alcohol you gave in, for one sip you threw 7 months to the waste

under the name of friendship, you stepped on my heart and walked away

i cried out all night, i even sit myself on fire hoping maybe you’d see that my energy is running away

you said you never meant for me to hurt this way, she was just a friend

and even when i begged you to not let her in our way

paranoid, thats all what you said

you called me out for being insecure, for not loving myself enough to trust you around other girls

when the problem all along was the way you treat them when im not there, how you think you are friendly, but you are knotting them ways to find your place, i keep blaming them

but til when can i blame a stranger for my pain? when you are the one who has my heart

you are the one who is breaking it and scattering it all over the place

i spent seven months begging you to love me right, but you still cant see how my spark is dulling away

how now sadness is running in my veins, how i live day by day, hoping you’d change your mind, and love me the way i do you

i’d go through all the pain all over again, if it means i get to be in your arms for one more day

but im far too gone in this pain, that i can no longer find my way

far too gone, that i no longer look for your face, i’m drowning in your shades of grey

without trying to escape

you’ve known all shades of red when you met me,

and i only experienced true heartbreak after hearing your lies a hundred times a day

i wish i could say i wouln’t do it all again

but i’m such a fool in love, that i would always find a way to fall for the pain you cause

i’ll give up all of my dreams, if it means i get to live in your nightmares

i’d do it all over again, i’d go to february, and by april, i’d beg you to break my heart all over again.