The love I had before

‘One two three, my darling you are all i see’ i was humming while looking at the stars, imagining you are one of them, the one that right before my eyes and you too are watching me, and telling me how beautiful i am, ‘four five and six your lips i wanna kiss’ i say while im looking at that one star-the one im convinced is you. i feel your thumb is dancing on my cheek and i smile, my foolish heart skipped a beat and my eyes were shut so i could just feel and lock this memory in my head.

I feel the sunlight tickling my skin i looked to see the sunrising and i screamed my lungs out, i screamed and fell to the ground ‘for how long you gonna keep taking him from me’ i ask the sun with teary eyes ‘for how long you gonna do this to me?’ I accused the sun and hated it, i blamed it for taking you away everyday whenever i start imagining your touches the sun comes like a thieve and steal my stars away.

I locked my room, i closed my window and lied down and kept watching the ceiling hoping you’ll show up, ‘i can be your sky if you are a star, you can shine on me, we can never be apart again’ i say while begging the universe to let you show here.

I saw the sunlights coming through my window even when i tried to close it well, so it hit me you can never be here, you can never be my star and i can never be your sky, maybe you are a star but not the star thats right before my eyes.
‘Seven eight nine you will never be mine’ i said while opening my window so the sun’s rays would come in and invade my room, i saw it eating the darkness and every stardust.

I look around and i dont see anything that reminds me of you, i fell down and cried because you are so far, as far as Mars, i can’t see you i can’t feel you, i only hear about you.

‘Ten your feelings you gotta kill’ i said while looking at the sun begging it to kill me, ‘please come inside me and take the darkness away’ i told the sun, but you invaded my heart and took over it, ‘eleven twelve you’ll be the death of me’ i said when i realised that i can never run away from my feelings, its like running in circles but the fire is surrounding me, i can never escape it, i will eventually get burned.

I have always thought you’re a star in my sky, always convinced myself that you’re that star before my eyes, but you have always been Mars, far away and the sun was the boundaries between us, whenever it sees me imagining you and falling in way too deep, it hits me that we can never be, you and me are like parallel lines; always close, never together.

I put my hand on my heart feeling sorry for it, because feelings; the ones that are supposed to make it alive. Killed it again.
My mind tricked my heart and fooled my foolish heart again and again, ‘thirteen fourteen your love will be the death of me’ i was singing while swaying in my room, my legs couldn’t stop, your voice is like an endless melody playing in my mind, and my heart tells me to have mercy on it, is an echo in my mind that keeps getting louder and im swaying between them because i can never choose, what if i choose that melody and it never stops what if i choose the echo and it got louder til it damages my brain? Both gonna be the death of me, so i kept swaying to the death melody.

I kept swaying between two fires waiting for one to burn me down, ‘fifteen sixteen like a dead star i fell down’ i said to the scenario my mind keeps playing, ‘run run from your feelings run’ i heard my heart screaming, but how can i run from them? Its like running in an endless field. No way out, how can i run from them? When i know that my heart is heavy too heavy to carry and my mind will blind my eyes with the vision of you.
My foolish heart fell for you, and my mind kept imagining you, and feelings were never my friend they’ve always been my worst enemy.

You are the light in the end of my tunnel and the darkness in my way, i can never escape you.